Why I’m letting you go

Fast forward to when I’m just a girl you used to know

in moments that burnt with the blaze of a hundred blinding suns on a November day.

Fast forward to when our time together is pierced into hollow moments,

spent with a girl you can talk about without feeling anything anymore.

 

I will forget my footsteps spent chasing you

I will forget my words wasted on you

I will forget everything to make space

I will forget everything to the point I don’t remember your face

 

I will spend time to collect the pieces you broke

so I can build a new home

on the edge of the river when I can hear the rain fall.

Maybe then I’ll learn to weather the storm

that tends to tear me apart.

 

I will put back everything together, except one piece

which I will throw away into another universe

so that I’m never whole enough for you to take again

and I’m never pure enough for you to taint again.

 

I will wait for the day when I can talk about you

the way you talk about me

and then fill my notebooks with lessons I can draw,

when you’re just a boy I used to know

and my feelings are six feet under in the land of wastefulness.

 

© That Girl in the Fray, 2018.  All rights reserved.

Watching You Leave

Every day the water in the lake I run by sinks lower,

every day another day passes without the rain.

The heat soaks my skin and heart as I continue to go further,

as I continue to run deeper and deeper into this maze I’m never escaping.

 

I want to escape the place we first met,

forget the nights we spent under the stars,

talking, drinking, dreaming.

But the rain refuses to fall and clean my mind

of your voice, your face, your name, of you.

 

You never said the words that I heard,

so I don’t think the blame lies on anything but my soul.

You never made any promises, you were careful of that.

And I read into everything, making castles out of clouds.

 

So now that there are no clouds left in the sky

and I’m left with the stars and this shell of a heart,

I don’t know what to do,

except wait for the rain to bring in a new start.

 

© That Girl in the Fray, 2018.  All rights reserved.

The Games we Play

It’s a masquerade ball and I’m dressed in black.

It’s a power struggle, it’s a test of who can hold back,

of who can pretend to care the least,

who can cage the ego of the beast.

 

You take my hand and we move to the piano and violin.

You take my hand and we glide across all that we hide.

Your hand on the small of my back, every step a perfect sin.

Your hands are good at this, but my tongue is bit by my pride.

 

Then you go on and make a move I could well expect.

You pull me close for a split of the beat of my heart,

and push me back the next.

Your body next to me, your soul miles apart.

 

My feet will hurt when the evening is over, I know

My heart will burn in insatiable doubts, I know.

 

Yet, I dance along to the music you chose,

And I keep myself from holding you close,

I hide behind your illusion that I’m cold hearted.

You’ll never know what you do to me is a territory uncharted.

 

When this night ends, I know I will have to let go,

because there is nothing that binds us behind this show.

Yet I dance along, for it is only then I have you.

Yet I sway along, never saying out loud I’m in love with you.

Free Falling

The night sky is so close tonight,

I think I can touch it, I think I just might.

I’m floating on a cloud in the pages of a lullaby,

as calm as the vacancy in the storm’s eye.

 

As I think of your smile in the half baked moonlight,

As I think of your accidental touch,

or the way our fingers purposefully brush,

As I recall our last fight,

As I catch a hint of your perfume in my bed,

or repeat to myself all the words that you’ve said,

I’m left on crossroads in the sand,

I’m left with my bare fragile heart in my hand.

 

I’m floating without an anchor, without any chains

without safety nets,  without anyone to blame.

Because it is me who chose to leave the safety of my home,

to open barricaded doors, to stop living in monochrome.

 

So when I fall back into the dirt,

because you refused to catch me,

because it was all in my head,

I hope I have the strength to remember this magic

and to stitch myself together in the blaze of the starry night.

 

© That Girl in the Fray, 2018.  All rights reserved.

 

 

In Secret, Between the Shadow and the Soul

How beautiful is a heart that can love,

Can love with nothing in return,

not even a mirror.

A heart that can bear to bare the fragile fragments

that have grown from the broken rose bushes

amid the thorns of the past.

How beautiful is the immensity of the blackness

that swallows the universe, but for the tiny lies we call stars.

The blackness that is a painting of my own hollow soul,

craving for the infamous dawn

that will bring it back home.

How beautiful is the lucid touch of love

that has you drunk in an instant

without rhyme

at the edge of the sea where reasons go to die.

 

© That Girl in the Fray, 2018.  All rights reserved.

 

Plaid Shirts

They say the sky and the stars are a story written millions of years ago. What we see is an illusion, an image that no longer exists.

I think it is naive to have faith in such lies, to talk to the stars when the soul is dark and heavy, to find solace in a mirage. Yet I do it.

Isn’t it what I’m doing with you too?

I rest my heart on your broken promises and your illusionary words, because I have nothing else. Because beggars are not choosers and wishes aren’t horses.

I let you be the ray of sunshine when the darkness is engulfing me. Which is why I bear it when you kick my naked soul trembling in the blue cold, sans protection, sans the shields I wear for the world.

 

For I understand the cliche that the good comes with the bad.

For I understand that a cliche is a cliche because it’s a universal truth.

 

I choke on my tears night after night, dawn after dawn, wondering where you are, despite it all.

 

You promise your promises and lock me in dark rooms.

I, an unfermented mind, hold on to your words.

 

On the nights when the moon does appear, I look for you in it. Despite all of it. Inspite all of it.

I try.

 

I cry a million clouds over plaid shirts

because I don’t know how to let go

even when I know I should.

 

© That Girl in the Fray, 2018.  All rights reserved.

The Tower

I have lived with walls beyond scaling,

I’ve also slept under open skies.

I’ve drenched myself in voices of those I ignored,

I’ve scattered to ashes, been reborn and died,

hoping I would finally belong.

But I never did.

And I think I never will.

So it’s back to the highest towers for me,

hoping and believing someday I will heal

enough to venture into the world again

and not be a foe to pain.

© That Girl in the Fray, 2018.  All rights reserved.

lovely

It’s 1:42 am, and I’m in my room half asleep.

It’s 1:42 am as I listen to Billie Eilish and Khalid

in my room that is half lit by the rising sun past midnight,

in my room that is half lit by memories of every goodbye.

 

I cannot describe the peace and calm I feel,

hidden beneath the soul that screams.

 

In this midsummer night

the fresh cut grass pierces through my clothes,

as I lie entangled in the clear night and web of crystal thoughts.

But I have learnt to touch and caress,

I know how to put them on hold.

I have learnt to silence the void I embrace as my own

 

Is this a dream?

Because the stars don’t blink like liars now.

Did I fall asleep?

Because the night tastes too intense to be real somehow.

Is this the parallel universe?

What once hurt feels like rhythmic poetry and verse.

 

I think I’ll wait for the fireflies to rise,

knowing they too will leave me

and dissolve under this sky.

 

© That Girl in the Fray, 2018.  All rights reserved.

The Silence in the Black and White

The piercing ache shoots from my legs

and gnaws upwards,

like a million buckets of ice covering every inch of my skin

to a point I don’t know if I’m cold or burning.

 

Your hands were what saved me, although I will deny it

Your touch was what made me feel human, although I will deny it

 

Meaningless dreams are the place we meet now

without the anchor of your vow

of forever

 

Silent dreams are where I see you now

because I can feel the drug leave my body

and if I hear your voice, I know I will relapse

 

I don’t look at the pictures anymore

I have lost my strength and crumbled

I don’t think of the happy times anymore

because I know I will fall and stumble

 

But this hollow ache

this blankness behind my mask

these screams in my chest

these cuts on my arms

won’t stop haunting me.

 

Yet I cannot stop dreaming in monochrome.

 

© That Girl in the Fray, 2018.  All rights reserved.