La Vie En Rose

I’ve come to realise that this blog is turning into a pannier full of all the wrongs that I can’t get over. Even though my darkness is an inherent part of me and overwhelms me most of the time, I do put on my rose coloured glasses once in a blue moon and turn a blind eye towards all my torments and destructive introspection. So, I wanted to write something while I was still high on blissfulness.

Today could have turned out to be one of those days when I curse the universe for all the unpleasantness plaguing me and repent and regret and cry at this existential crisis I can’t get out of no matter what. But somehow, no idea how, when I was left all alone in an unpleasant situation that initially left me so worried and melancholic that my thoughts were too loud for me to hear any other sound around me and my eyes were on the verge of a waterfall, I became conscious of my own power. I had an epiphany that it was completely in my hands how this day could turn out to be. I could turn it into a sob story or make an adventure out of it, explore a new dimension to my soul and find comfort in my ability to handle myself, something that only a handful of people on this planet can do. As I was left alone, with no one to turn to, no one to help me, I realised how utterly wrong it was of me to expect anything out of strangers who do not want to become a part of my world anyway, people who are so coloured in the conformity of their own lives and obsessed with their own tribulations that they do not care.

As I walked alone to a place I had never been before, I had words from a book I’d recently read in my head, the music from a movie I’d recently watched playing in my heart, a picture of one of the most awesome days I’ve ever had in my life in my phone, a green paradise all around me and a sense of freedom that I hadn’t experienced in quite a long while, something I had been unknowingly craving for. I understood why the universe had thrown me into a situation that was so far away from my comfort zone. To help me open my eyes and realise that the beauty I’d been ignoring for so long was escaping me with every passing second. Later as I sat alone, waiting for my ride home while reading The Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway and eating ramen, as the world moved on at its transient pace, I felt one with the universe. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have to worry if I was boring the other person or revealing too much information and letting my walls down or if I was holding them against their will. I just had to please one person, me. As I sat alone, with the twilight dawning a new perspective on me, I realised how lucky I was to have this opportunity to be alone, with the thoughts of a literary genius and my favourite comfort food and was reminded of a beautiful song I’d once heard.

Hold me close and hold me fast this magic spell you cast, this is la vie en rose

When you kiss me, heaven sighs and though I close my eyes I see la vie en rose

The World Has Been Broken into Pieces

“..The world has been broken into pieces. All this chaos, all this discord. And our job – everyone’s job – is to try to put the pieces back together. To make things whole again.”

“..Maybe it isn’t that we’re supposed to find the pieces and put them back together. Maybe we’re the pieces. Maybe, what we’re supposed to do is come together. That’s how we stop the breaking.”

Ever since I came across this quote from Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist and was acquainted with the beautiful philosophy of “Tikkun Olam” in Judaism, it has somehow stayed with me. They were words that don’t really reveal their true power the moment they hit you. They stay hidden in the recesses of your mind, at the corner of the thin dividing line between the conscience and the subconscience, and then somehow without actually knowing that it is actually happening, you start connecting everything that happens in your life to those words, to the powerful idea behind those words and somehow your perception about life, about love, about people, everything changes.

I believe our soul is scattered into pieces that are spread all over the world and our entire life is defined by us looking for and finding these pieces that complete us. It could be that perfect song that you hear playing in a store at the mall and suddenly, even if only for a second, life starts making sense and you’re transported to that parallel universe of utopia, a sense of completion prevailing over every dystopic sentiment your heart has ever felt. It could be a book that changes life as you know it forever, bestowing you with the elixir of a brand new perspective that you never knew existed. It could be that perfect moment when the stars in heaven are aligned in such a wondrous pattern that things that you fear have been lost forever find their way back to you in the most unexpected and magical way. Your favourite band, your favourite quote, your favourite colour, everything that in a way defines you, sets you apart and boasts of your uniqueness are all pieces to your soul that you’ve discovered in your life, as you’ve had numerous experiences and epiphanies.

It is the way I’ve come across some of the scattered segments of my own soul that enchants me. Somehow fate intertwines in my plans, or lack thereof, and sets in motion a series of events that make me stumble upon these pieces of my very own jigsaw puzzle. Or maybe it is my own subconscience that leads me right to the doors that hold my hidden self. But when this precious miracle does happen, all the voices in my dark mind quiet down, if only for a few seconds, and a glow of serenity and completeness that is utterly unmatchable to any other feeling in the world, consumes me. The world stops falling apart and somehow even the confusion in my own head makes sense. And this is what we end up doing all our lives, trying to make sense of this chaos by looking for those lost pieces in order to build our souls into whole again. Some people travel to do some soul searching, while others like me just look for signs everywhere. Every book I pick up has a story behind it and most of the times the truth is that it is the mortal book chooses me, while I stand awestruck at fate’s design.

This is also the reason all of us do not like the same things in all actuality. Our souls are thorough variants with such uncommon intricacies that at most there is one possible soul out there that does have lost pieces similar to our own. And we spend our lives looking for that special soul, who is also, in fact, a lost piece we need to complete ourselves.

So, the books I read, the music I love, the movies that inspire me, the places that give me solace, my odd habits, moments that truly move me, are all but parts of my soul. I do not care if people think I’m weird, unsociable or hate me for my lack of interest in things that are commonly acknowledged and liked. It really doesn’t matter too much that there is no one who actually understands the various pieces to my soul or shares them with me. I will always love what I love no matter how many times I’m told I’m wrong to believe in things that appear silly to the masses. I have my own universal task of completing my own soul and working towards the reparation of my own crumbling world. I neither have the time nor patience to change myself just to fit into this mould that has been crafted by the generalis that everyone seems to accept. I will not pretend and do things just to feel accepted while shutting off my own soulfulness in a metal safe and drowning it into the river. Until my last breath, I will wait for that insightful soul who will accept me for who I am rather than pointing out my imperfections and weirdness and trying to change me.

I may be wrong in believing in my beliefs and fighting against the multitude of opinions and perspectives of general conformity, but right now, exactly at this precise moment, in the midst of the ocean of all my ideas, all my thoughts, all the truths that I’ve been acquainted with, all the discoveries I’ve made, all the stories and voices I have inside my head and in my soul, as the sun sets turning the waves into molten gold, and its aurum rays sparkle at the zenith of my dreams turning the sky purple at this dusk of my life, as I hold my breath and imbibe this last vision I have before I let the water take me and close my eyes, amid all of this, I know that I’m right. And no one can take that away from me. In other words, anybody who doesn’t live inside my head has no right to say that I’m wrong.