Float

Carrying on the conversation from my last post, I’ve been struggling with words lately, in addition to struggling with life, relationships, job hunt, pandemic fallout, like everyone out there. I do not understand why but it is always during testing times like these I feel so unconnected to every human being on this planet.

I wish I could draw, for it would be able to explain how I feel. I am in space, floating, without any tether, no cord, unfettered, unbound. This is my cavern of loneliness: hollow and black. And it scares me to death, yet I find no one who understands my words: it’s like speaking in a vacuum.

I’ve been broken so many times by those I have trusted that I have lost the strength to try. And I want to spare the pain to those I trust most, so I cannot really acknowledge my fears out loud. I have only me as always.

All these years, and it’s always been a damn circle; I can never escape it, can I?

I can’t find you
But can’t fault you,

’cause I can get so caught up in my own head
You just float through, I can’t catch you
And I can understand,

but can’t face the feeling that I’m just another end

 

Featured image: Eden/ Jonathon Ng singing Float.

Quoted Lyrics: Float, by Eden

Note to Me

There are no rules for what you’re going through. And it is a lot. A lot for you to bear, a lot for you to share. So it’s okay to stumble and fall. To be bad at it in the end of it all.

Perfection is a myth, as are the rules of age and what ought to be. Your tempo is your own music, as it should be. Give in to fear, give in to tears for now. Give in to the need to give in. Stumble. Lean. Reach. Fall.

And then face the fear head on.

When you’re lost, in the moments that are beyond their costs, in the moments you don’t know what to do: listen to the fear. Let it reason. Let it fill you up. And then do the exact thing it tells you not to.

© That Girl in the Fray, 2018.  All rights reserved.

Whispers of December

First of all, I owe an apology to one and all who were following my “23 Poems Before I Turn 23” Challenge. But then again having a blog that is more of a quaint boutique rather than a Tiffany Store on the most expensive street in the world has its own perks. This blog is my bitch and I can do as I please.

I still do apologize for the unannounced hiatus and, most ardently, for not keeping my word. I had intended to blog about at least 23 poems before I could turn the age that is represented by two of my least favourite numbers, but alas, life got in the way and I horribly failed. But what I do intend and what I will do to make up for my laziness is turn the challenge a resolution for my 23rd year. I will finish the challenge while I’m of this age.

And if anybody ever reads this hollow voice into the void, I will be happy to talk about any poem of your choice. It could even be your own poem. So suggestions are most welcome!

To synopsize what has been going on in my life of recent would be fairly represented by a single sonorous word: finals *gong*. The fact that another phase of my life is at its close isn’t as comforting a thought as I had thought it would be. I guess what they say about forbidden love is true: it will end in tragedy. (Yes, I made that up *gong*.) I’m falling for a place I have loathed for a better part of my mortal life and instead of rainbows and butterflies, it is turning out to be rather difficult and would leave me broken in the end; I can prophesize that.

To continue ranting about my life, I think I’m still hung up on everything that has happened to me over the summer. I think I’ve lived through the entire chapter a hundred times over in my mind, going over the conversations over and over again. I know now how Cinderella felt after the clock had struck midnight.

I keep reliving it all, in my dreams and in my daydreams, and the problem with it is that I’ve romanticized it into this perfect godly sojourn, which it never was. It was full of mess and struggle, of moments of self doubt and frustration, and that is the reason why I loved it. I got to fight a war with my demons and defeat them. My deepest fear is that I’m going to turn it into something unreal and fictional. The words, the touches, the feelings. I want to remember everything unsullied.

Maybe December is a month for introspection, for whispers of the bygone year flowing in the wind weaving its way to the crypt at dusk. Or maybe I’ve just lost it.

*gong*