Years from then is now my now
and I still pathetically find myself looking for your approval.
I still am utterly conscious of you in this crowded room, sitting right in front of me.
I pull my chair away so as not be as close enough to you to smell your cologne
I avoid looking into your eyes as much as I can
It is all but an utter failure.
I know it’s a trick of my brain, that I do not feel anything towards you anymore. In fact, I hate the way you talk about things, that immature daftness about you that I failed to spot before. You’re utterly opinionated and narcissistic, else who would even have their own picture on their phone screen? Me, I could never do that because I cannot stand to see my face so often and rather see something beautiful and inspiring.
You hate everything about me
You mock anything I say or do
Any big achievement of mine is a joke to you
And every time you ask me something unprecedented, something beyond the imagined conversions in my mind that I’ve had with you, I’m speechless
and then I say the dumbest thing imaginable possible.
I cannot but be awkward before you
It infuriates me to look at the mess I am before you
I’m still as vulnerable as I was then
All my promises to be poised and graceful are broken.
I wished I’d never known you.
In the most beautiful place imaginable, living the dream I had dreamed for myself, all I can think about is what you think of me. Have I impressed you enough? What else can I do to prove that I am beyond you, that you and me are never possible, more to myself than to you.
© That Girl in the Fray, 2016. All rights reserved.